There are parts of myself I have learned to disguise, to hide, or to ignore. Parts that were not pleasing to the one I called Love. Throughout the years I spent building myself around another person, I adapted. And now I am here. Beginning a new life built with myself at the center.
The years of training myself to be something else are not easily undone. I have many fears that don’t stay quiet. I find myself looking back, to before my identity was wife and mother. To before I was “broken”, thinking that’s my true self and I need to get back to being her somehow. There is no going back. Life has happened, pain has been felt. I have discovered that getting over HIM, does not mean getting over IT. Like a death, you don’t get over it – you live with it. You accept it and continue on.
I have come so far. I have conquered depression and anxiety, lost weight, build lasting and real friendships, reconnected with family, learned to love myself, and found my spirituality and connection to the Universe. I have also discovered that nothing can prepare you for the amount of BS (belief system) that will be brought up in a relationship.
I find myself resenting myself for not being able to let go of old habits. The person I created those stories with is gone, it’s over. It doesn’t exist anymore. But, i carry it with me. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to be bound by fear. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, it’s a nameless, paralyzing fear. I resent that I’m taking past pain with me. I want to be able to be open and to give freely. In the moment, I freeze.
I will never build my life around someone again. You’ll never here me say, “I can’t live without you.” I have always been alone, the safety I was looking for in others was always an illusion. At the core of it all was always only me. I will build myself, I will be unapologetically real. I have faith that this will attract, and keep, the people I want in my life. Who I am is in progress. I am discovering and creating this new Usha day by day, I always will be.
So today, I’ll say this. It is what it is. I am what I am. I’m afraid, I have been through pain. I don’t always know what I want, or how to say it. I have created stories around certain things that I don’t always see through. I’m human, I’m flawed. I accept this about me. And for today, I love me for it.
This is my recovery.
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
― Hunter S. Thompson
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction” —Antoine de Saint-Exupery